The weekend is almost over again. Why can’t we have longer weekends? I’ve been in a total funk for most of it as well and I can’t even blame female hormones this time. I was pretty tired for most of last week and I’m not sure why. I was getting plenty of sleep but I woke up feeling like I had been fighting all night. I can’t remember any of my dreams so no help there. I was very much looking forward to a few long lies this weekend but they never seem to happen. I guess I’m just to used to getting up at a regular time.

A neighbour was having a garden party on Saturday night so that didn’t help. I was really tired and I desperately wanted to let go but it was just too noisy. I’m not blaming them or anything because they did stop the music at a reasonable time but the damage was done by then. I was wide awake and my brain started thinking about things better left to a saner time of day.

I guess the whole problem lies with the fact the first anniversary of Grandma’s passing is this Tuesday. It seems incredible to me that a year has gone by already and I’ve been thinking about her a lot - truth is I never stop thinking about her but the good memories usually outweigh the bad. I suppose since that day is approaching, the bad memories of losing her are beginning to win. So, as I lay there trying to sleep, I started thinking about all the things she has missed this year and just started crying.

Grandma was a huge part of my life and whenever something good happened to me, she was the first person I called and I cannot begin to describe how lost I feel without her. I don’t have many friends, none that I would consider close anyway, and I suppose that role was filled by Grandma. She was always my best friend and I’m not sure I really appreciated that enough. We had so much in common, more so than I have with my mum, and we used to joke about how some things had obviously skipped a generation. I miss sharing my life with her and I miss how enthusiastic she always was about what her grandchildren were doing. I guess you could say she was the family cheerleader.

I have this big, gaping hole in my heart that is never going to be filled.