I find myself alone in the house for a week and every spider in the damn neighbourhood seems to be taking this as an invitation to move in. I was busy cleaning my bedroom on Monday being the Domestic Goddess that I am (and I use that term loosely) when a huge spider shot out from behind my DVD case which can’t be moved since it is attached to the bloody wall. I stood there trembling for five minutes working on my plan of action before I decided the suck-it-up-with-the-hoover method had to be implemented because the scream-for-dad method is temporarily unavailable.

The ugly bugger shot up the hose on its own private roller coaster ride. Mission accomplished. I, on the other hand, am still a quivering wreck because I hate spiders with a passion and cannot have them anywhere in my vicinity.

What just happened? I head downstairs into the kitchen to get a drink and just miss standing on one of the biggest f**king spiders I’ve ever seen in my life! I nearly stood on it! With. My. Barefoot. I stood there, heart pounding in my ears and I swear to God it was laughing at me! It has eyes and that probably means it has teeth too! Once again, I have a dilemma. I can’t just shut the door and leave it because I need to use the kitchen tomorrow… I don’t need to be looking in every corner as I make my breakfast… There’s no one else here… It’ll be gone by the time I get the hoover out…. I see my saviour. A plastic bin which is duly placed over the monster and I vacate the vicinity.

So, I am in dire need of a strapping male who will dutifully dispose of spiders for me, starting with the one in the kitchen in the morning. Other duties will to be determined but cuddling and soothing massages are a definite possibility.

I don’t need lectures on how you shouldn’t kill them as they are living creatures but, damn, they invade my territory and they have to be prepared to pay the ultimate price. *shudders*