Good evening, honorary Scots, and welcome to Caledonia’s Burns Supper. Burns Day has been celebrated in Scotland for over 200 years and of course, as with every tradition, the way in which it is celebrated is open to interpretation. However, key elements are usually the same and since the cyber cruise is famous around the world, we had pipers queuing up to take part. After extensive auditions, Hamish The Piper was chosen. So, laddies and lassies, please take your seats. (Claudie, keep your hands of the piper’s kilt!)

A Burns Supper is always hosted by a Chairperson and for this event, your hostess is none other than your favourite captain, Mrs Lifecruiser, who is currently practicing her Scots accent in the galley. The first order of business is to recite The Selkirk Grace and if the captain is ready, we’ll begin:

Some hae meat and cannot eat.
Some cannot eat that want it:
But we hae meat and we can eat,
Sae let the Lord be thankit.

Okay, everyone please stand and clap in time as the haggis is piped in by Hamish The Piper and the Captain will now recite the famous poem, To A Haggis. There are eight verses, so I’m only going to print three here otherwise we’ll be here all night.

Fair fa’ your honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o’ the pudding-race!
Aboon them a’ yet tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy o’a grace
As lang’s my arm.

The groaning trencher there ye fill,
Your hurdies like a distant hill,
Your pin was help to mend a mill
In time o’need,
While thro’ your pores the dews distil
Like amber bead.

His knife see rustic Labour dight,
An’ cut you up wi’ ready sleight,
Trenching your gushing entrails bright,
Like ony ditch;
And then, O what a glorious sight,
Warm-reekin’, rich!

After all that talking, I think it is time the Captain wet her whistle with a wee dram. Your whisky-bearer this evening is none other than RennyBA (Doesn’t he look dashing in his kilt?) who will fill your glasses with Glenmorangie which means Glen of Tranquillity. Not being a whisky person, I’ve no idea if that is a good or bad brand but I like the name so there you have it!

Now, in the middle of the third verse, you may have noticed the Captain doing her Psycho impression when she stabbed the haggis with a knife whilst enthusing about its entrails. Lovely! She will now lift it high so we can all raise a toast to the haggis! Hamish The Piper will then serenade the haggis as it is taken into the galley to be served to the guests.

Today’s menu: cock-a-leekie soup, haggis wi’ bashit neeps an’ champit tatties, Clootie Dumplin’, afterwards served with a selection of cheeses and bannocks with tea or coffee

Once you have had your fill of the food (vegetarian options are available), Renny will be inviting you to a whisky tasting session where you will get to sample the many different kinds of whisky. Once suitably drunk, the entertainment will begin with recitations of many of Burns famous poems which I’m sure you all know at least one line!

O my Luve’s like a red, red rose,
That’s newly sprung in June:
O my Luve’s like the melodie,
That’s sweetly play’d in tune.

At this point, we should take a moment to toast The Immortal Memory and his enduring spirit but I did that in an earlier post so we can get back to the drinking part! Hic! Actually, at this point we should all be entertaining each other with recitations of Burns’s more famous works and this can often turn into a men versus women thing. The men “toast the lassies” with specially selected lines from the poems and the lassies then try to outdo them. You can’t miss the chance to insult the opposite gender!

As the evening closes, it’s time for the Captain to get to her feet (if she can still stand) and lead her guests in a rousing rendition of Auld Lang Syne. Everyone should link hands (crossing arms over first) with the person next to them and help them stay upright! You do know this one, right????

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And auld lang syne!

Before you all stagger back to your cabins, here’s a wee souvenir of the occasion. Has anyone seen Claudie? And, where’s Hamish The Piper for that matter?